Hmm

I am not doing what I need to do.

I should probably start doing what I need to.

Life is a little muddy at the moment.

Things I should be doing but am not

1. Sketches

2. Matting my work for my junior review

3. Writing an artist statement.

4. Anything but messing around on the Internet but apparently that’s all I can manage right now.

blah blah blah

I’m very fed up with things at the moment. There’s a lot of shit going around, I’m feeling pretty isolated but part of it’s self-induced. When I feel out of it it’s hard to just hang out with people so I kinda avoid people.

Well I was iming with my ex last night, and I was on edge and was a little bitchy and then apologized and explained what was up. He’s a sweetie and gets it.

And I burst into tears while doing this.I have a feeling this who birth control thing is making me a little crazy.  Even after talking to 3 people from home I’m still a little crazy.

I’m on birth control  for my skin, I was excited for controlled periods (my cycle is short and the periods are long) and you know, better skin. My skin is improving, (I’ve been on birth control a month in conjunction with an anti-inflammatory I’ve been on since august) but nowhere near perfect. Not that I expect perfect skin, the improvements are slow, I know that. And the birth control is low dose, in December I’ll probably switch to something stronger.

If we go through 3 or so types without my skin clearing my dermatologist will have me do accutane. Which is intense and involved but I am down for it if it means I can stop worrying about my skin. Right now it seems likely. I’m on all kinds of very effective medication and I’m still breaking out. It’s not really breakouts even, it’s just a constant state and occasionally something goes away or I get something new.  There is less than in august and less is noticeable but it’s defiently still there .

Ugh, my skin was not this bad in highschool. Shit is just not fair.

Days like these

Roommate #3 is mostly moved out, she has to pick up furniture but that’s it. She found a place on campus right away. There is drama all over the place and I’m just trying stay out of it and do my work.

Today I intended to do errands but decided not to at the last minute and ended up laying on the couch in a cocoon most of the afternoon. I was unbearably tired. Tonight I’m going to bed early.

Boys confuse me, art is going well, and I’m trying to plan a trip to Europe in the spring but I’m not sure if I should go alone,( i’m visiting people so only kinda alone even) bring a friend, or bring my mother(who lovingly volunteered herself and she’s cool to travel with so I’m considering it).

I feel a little lost and a little found right now. It’s a bit of a balancing act.

Living Conditions

Well, roommate #3 has been informed that she has to be out by November 1st. Roommate #1 and family have decided that due to no progress being made since the last conversation, increased passive aggressive behaviour and things of the like that it was time to have her leave.

Now, I’m more than a bit of a bleeding heart and I really don’t like how this is going down. On one hand it’s hella awkward to hang around our apartment with #3 for more than 5 minutes. #1 has been a wreck because of it. I spend more time out of the apartment than she does so I’ve felt it less. I’m relatively sure that #3 doesn’t really understand/know how to deal with me. We’ve never really bonded, despite a short stint of being in the same drinking group for about 3 months last year. We don’t really hang out one on one and I’ve never felt like trusting her with anything of weight.

While it will be a relief to feel at home again in the apartment  I feel another warning should have been issued and given her more time to get out and find a place. It’s a messy issue. She was informed yesterday and #1 and I were purposely out of the apartment all day to give her space and to clear our own heads. We got back around midnight and all the lights were turned on, fans on max and windows

.I am so uneasy right now, hopefully this can be handled decently from here on out.

Men, selfworth and being alone

I’ve been thinking a lot about boys lately. Coffee boy keeps writing poems that are probably(in my opinion at least) not about me. I haven’t seen him in a good two weeks between catching up on work and midterms attacking me, hence my reasoning. Even before this I’d been thinking a lot about what I want in a relationship, if I need a relationship and all that mess.

When it comes down to it I’m a pretty content person. I love myself including my flaws. Sure, I’m not perfect and I’m pretty emotional but at the end of the day I  know what I’m worth and I can look in the mirror and be happy with myself.

I’ve been told that I’m intimidating to guys. Apparently liking yourself and having talent/intelligence is intimidating.

As much as it feels ridiculous to label myself as intimidating I do understand why my friends agree on this. I’m very comfortable with myself and I’m comfortable being alone. I do very well by myself, I have a small but beyond loyal group of friends who I can rely on. I don’t need a guy to take care of me in the standard sense. Outwardly I’m very capable. Obviously, I’m human and so this is not the end all be all. I can be pretty damn weak and emotional and unstable just like anyone else. I just try to keep that part of me to myself and my close friends.

I guess in the end it means two things, either I have to pursue men and allow myself some vulnerability or I have to wait for a guy who is brave enough to try.

At least if it’s the second I’ll know he’s worth it. I’m not saying I intend to stop flirting or trying but I don’t intend to change myself to get men. Romance can happen naturally, whenever that may be.

I’ve had a conversation with a friend about how really we just want someone to enter our lives and make sense and the love will be reciprocal and all that. We know it’s selfish and more mythic than real, but it is our wish. Our friend group came together through a sort of serendipity, mine and his is the the only relationship in the group that took real effort actually. It’s hard to not think that it our love lives should be that simple as well.

At least we can admit it.

Posting, right…

Roommate 1 is not kicking out roommate 3…at least not until the end of the semester.

Oh roommates!

I was sick for a week, got behind and have now caught up. I’m very tired and so am staying in on a friday, along with my roommates. Go us!

One of my friends is trying to promote me and coffee boy to dating status. I’m slightly terrified he might not be interested. idk idk idk. I’ve talked a bit more to him and feel the response is slightly more platonic than I’d like, but he’s also pretty reserved. He also wrote a poem about a girl/love and posted it on his blog that he knows I read. I have no idea what it means, there are signs in it that point to me and there are some that are defiently debatable.

We’ll see, I may hang out with him this weekend.  Ahhhhhhh, I hate this part.